My First Panic Attack

seventeen years old

on the night the New Year was supposed to arrive

and I got quite the surprise

when the world ended

me sitting by the pool

I guess I'm lucky I fell away from the pool

instead of into it

heaven knows

it might have been my last panic attack

-o0o-

Afterlife

a very long time ago I died

and I went to heaven

there was nothing there

it was empty

no gods, no angels

nothing but stale air

a place of forgotten promises

and empty dreams

that cannot dull the screams

coming from down below

after that

I figured

I should go looking for hell

maybe there'd be someone to tell

someone who knows

but earth was as far down as it goes

as it turns out you can't suffer worse

you can't hurt more

or give pain more worth

than what hearts feel

right here on earth

so lofty thrones are no good

empty halls offer no rest

with hearts and souls oppressed

so I sat back down

a dead thing in a dead body

back on earth

to make the smallest change

a petty exchange

for whatever rest I may earn

because I suspect

next time

I might not return

-o0o-

Warm Soup (Poetry Potion)

Another poem of mine is up on Poetry Potion. Go have a read.

HERE or here: http://www.poetrypotion.com/warm-soup-by-charl-landsberg/

Love
Charl

-o0o-

Ochre

There is clay under my feet.
It is yellow and barren like me,
but it makes for good ink.
So I take a sorry seat,
and write of all I see,
of all the things I dare to think.
What strangely things we meet,
that dreams congeal to be,
that lead us to the brink,
that causes ships to sink,
down, down, down into the clay,
where fantasies may be what may.

-o0o-

Silvertoothed

today I am beautiful

ever shining

despite the hate in this world

with arseholes opining

I sparkle against them

a protest uphill

and still, and still, and still

through sheer will

I am

always glorious

defiant bastard

newly victorious

I exist to spite

spit in the face of ignorance and hate

and burn bright

I am deified in this

atheist and god

in one place

to fly in the face

of the powers that keep me down

I am the smile

to spite that frown

oppress me? I'll beat you

hate me? I'll eat you

compete me? I'll feat you

because today I am beautiful

shining and splendid

animal and human

broken and blended

I'm the always irreverent dream

the unexpected blasphemous scream

the madgod rising unforseen

the silvertoothed heathen feminist queen

-o0o-

Tamar is Bleeding (#RUReferenceList) (Poetry Potion)

TW: Rape

Please head over to Poetry Potion to read my poem regarding the problem with rape and institutional neglect regarding rape.

HERE or here: http://www.poetrypotion.com/rureferencelist-tamar-is-bleeding-by-charl-landsberg/

Regards
Charl

-o0o-

Bruised Produce

I think I handled my heart too roughly,
and now it's bruised.
It's that squashed pear at the back,
the one nobody wants.
And it's not getting any better.
It's hurt and broken.
It can't hold joy the way it used to.
It's asking price is discounted,
and it longs for the solace of youth,
when mistakes were cheap,
and bruises healed overnight.

-o0o-

A Place to Die (Poem Published by Poetry Potion)

Please head over to Poetry Potion to read my poem "A Place to Die" HERE or here: http://www.poetrypotion.com/a-place-to-die-by-charl-landsberg/

Love
Charl

-o0o-

Stolen Beauty

I'm jealous of her.

She, who carries beauty like she owns it.

She, who snatched beauty from Demeter's fields.

I've always held beauty like I've borrowed it,

like a child caught up the apple tree,

and always, inevitably,

I've been accused of stealing it.

Because who the hell am I,

how dare I,

take possession of something that,

 I've been told I don't deserve?

How dare fat be beautiful?

How dare fat be loved?

How dare I stand in the places of desire,

and say I belong?

-o0o-

Transocean

is she so numb

immobile and struck dumb

from the constant flailing against the beach

each wave a lesson to teach

instruct the nerves to stop feeling

that constant hurt that prevents healing

and the rocks, hard and unmoving

never broken, never improving

a liquid ladyboy unformed, unsure

better to change with the tide's allure

to be safe or true, to be that or this

embrace the numb or pain's dark kiss

-o0o-

Stripped

make no mistake
you should celebrate your skin
I think it's a good thing
this is what a lot of feminism is about
giving women the option
to let their skin out
and it's good
and it's fine
and I love you for it
because your expression frees me
undoes some of the shackles
addressing some of the pain
that feminism tackles
but I'm not like you
my stretch marks won't see the light of day
my skin won't be sky clad
I live behind sunblock and cotton
and you must know, this isn't bad
this is as good for me
as your exposure is for you
my body fills a different space
i'm politicized differently
my body isn't automatic
it's a crime scene
where my fat is criminal
my broken is disgraceful
my sick is invisible
my trans is indecipherable
so I cover up
often more than you expect
I'm not going to equate my struggles
to the politicized bodies of veiled women
their problems extend far past my understanding
and my white privilege makes me oblivious
to some of their needs and struggles
but you have to stand with them
as you have to stand with me
because
stripped is your song
and covered is my song
and sure
by all means
go ahead
show your breasts
show your genitals
rail against the patriarchal machine
your ways are good for kicking up steam
and making wannabe patriarchs scream
how dare you indeed?
and good for you
I get it
make no mistake
bend or break
I'm in it for your sake
but I walk with you clothed
and this is the way I have to be
because my body is politicized differently

-o0o-

I was thinking of Femen's method of protest and how problematic and how racist they can be. I was Googling a lot of different ways nudity has been used by women when I saw this picture:

Dear White Feminists. Don't do this. Coaxing a person out of clothes is as violent as coaxing a woman into clothes.