Offering

To be transgender means,

to have your genitalia become dinner table conversation.

Something people would never do with cis people.

But suddenly my cock and cunt is carved up,

to be consumed by polite cutlery.

To be transgender means,

to have your life sidelined by an imaginary person,

that people speak to and wonder why you don't answer.

My pronouns are they/them. My pronouns are they/them.

It is not that hard.

To be transgender means,

that every statement about you by cis people,

is university incorrect. Always.

And don't dream to correct them, 

because you will drown in wrath and tears.

To be transgender means,

there is no being. You don't get to just be.

Oh you get to identify as, but never just be.

You either disappear completely,

or you identify as.

To merely be, is not an option.

To be transgender means,

everyone gets to have an 'opinion',

over whether you get to live or die.

Existance isn't guaranteed, it's reduced to schoolyard 'debate',

and whether you can muster the wherefores and whytos,

to legitimise your claim on a heartbeat.

To be transgender means,

being constantly surprised that you're surprised.

Being constantly disappointed that you're disappointed.

Having dreamed to think things might be better this time around.

To be transgender means,

that when I was hurt, it wasn't really hurt,

I must have asked for it, or else I must have deserved it.

Besides, TERFs are just stochastic terrorists, 

they're not responsible for male violence,

except when it wasn't a man who threw the punch,

pushed the hatred, told another lie.

To be transgender means,

being tired, all the time.

Because no amount of sleep cures this.

No amount of rest brings your head above water.

To be transgender means,

you are constantly drowning.

To be transgender means,

I am not doing okay.

And it's not getting better.

And I don't see a tomorrow where this gets better.

And I don't think I'm going to make it.

-o0o-

The Neverthere

You invoke ghosts so casually.

Terrible soul eating creatures:

from the very centre of your imagination.

Creatures carved from every thing I never was.

Be careful, before they drag you away,

to even places I can't reach.

A place where you'd go to live,

made entirely of imagination.

Where there isn't even a smidge of space,

for someone who disappointed you,

by committing the crime of existing,

outside of your expectations.

-o0o-

To Charl with Love

I don't know if I ever posted this here before... sincerely too lazy to look right now:

To Charl with Love (written on this day 2017)

Costume

when I was young

I loved to go out at night

I could put on my costume

and know

know that it would protect me

the worst thing was inside me

so nothing in the dark could harm me

the thing inside me

killing me slowly

killing me for wearing that costume

every day

and then one day

I stopped

I stopped wearing the costume

and the thing inside was gone

but suddenly 

that thing was inside everyone else

now it wanted to kill me

kill me for not wearing that costume

I remember the very first time

when I left the house

wearing a dress

and the thing called from other mouths

“faggot”

“tranny”

it lashed out with a fist and a boot in my rib

so those are my choices

let the thing kill me from within

for wearing a costume

or let the thing kill me from outside

for not wearing a costume

tonight I put on the costume again

wiped off my makeup
wiped off my nail varnish

took off my pretty purple shirt

and put on big boy pants

big boy walk

big boy talk

I guess tonight I'm just better

at keeping the devil I know at bay

does that make me a bad transgender person?
does that make me a coward?

I don’t know...

but I got home alive.

-o0o-

Well, I guess that's it then?

To my best friend:

You loved me till the day I came out.

The second I came out.

Then our friendship fell apart. 

For the following two years I tried.

I tried to invite you in.

I told you my pronouns.

You never used them.

You never even tried.

I asked you to go clothes shopping with me.

You said no.

You misgendered me.

You made fun of me.

For two years I put up with it.

I fought for us.

I hoped we could 'fix' our relationship.

But we had different ideas of what was broken.

I wrote thousands of words about being trans.

You didn't even try to read them.

I spoke thousands of words about being trans.

You didn't even try to hear me.

You bought into TERF bullshit.

And when I called out the TERF bullshit:

You said that I made *you* feel bad.

You said that I only see *you* as cis.

And you said *you* didn't want to be my friend anymore.

Well, I guess that's it then?

Goodbye.

-o0o-

“But cisgender women and trans women are different!” Weaponised rhetoric, bad faith, and the othering of the marginalised.

CW: Transphobia, TERF rhetoric, examples of racism, sexism, homophobia, a slur.

I should start by explaining by what I mean by weaponised rhetoric, bad faith arguments, and othering. Weaponised rhetoric is a form of argument that is used to attack people. When it comes to marginalised people we often see this kind of rhetoric popping up as slurs, dogwhistles, half-truisms, etc... These are phrases which in and of themselves may (as with slurs) or may not (as with dogwhistles) be harmful when taken out of context, but they are always harmful particularly when speaking about marginalised people. Take for instance the phrase, “Asian people are good at mathematics,” or “Women are just naturally more nurturing,” or “Gay men are promiscuous.” These are weaponised statements. They confer bigotry regardless of whether they are true or not. As with “Asian people are good at mathematics.” This argument functions as a form of “Model Minority” racism, where a stereotype of a particular group of POC have been attributed with a particular characteristic. It is harmful not because it is true or because it is false, but because it carries with it so much historically abusive weight. The “Model Minority” argument is not only damaging to people of Asian descent, but also to other people of colour, against whom the rhetoric is used as a shaming tool, an exclusionary tool, an excuse to continue being racist. The same goes for, “Women are just naturally more nurturing”. This argument hurts women in many ways because it confers upon them a characteristic that (whether true or not) sets up a series of expectations. If a woman is not nurturing she’s framed as a bad woman, a not “REAL” (TM) woman. “What kind of a woman doesn’t want to be nurturing? What kind of woman doesn’t want to be a mother? What kind of woman doesn’t want a husband to take care of?” And so the rhetoric goes. It harms men who are nurturing, characterising them as “feminine and therefore weak and not ‘REAL’ (TM) men.” This concept of “REAL” (TM) is important here because that’s exactly what this kind of rhetoric does. It others marginalised people (I’ll get to othering later). I’ve written an article the gay promiscuity myth and why it’s dangerous, but it functions in precisely the same way. 

Secondly I would like to talk about arguments in bad faith. An argument in bad faith is where a person says something that is seemingly innocuous, but has a double meaning, or they intend to deceive, or they intend to excuse their agency or responsibility in a matter. A basic example of a behaving in bad faith is, “I lied to you to protect you.” Take for instance the argument, “Don’t yell at me for being a bigot, that makes you just as bad as me.” Here the statement tries to distract from the responsibility of the bigot, and transferring it to the target of the statement. Another form of argument in bad faith is where a person responds to an argument with insults (ad hominem), “I don’t care for your argument, you’re stupid.” 

Thirdly, let’s look at the term “othering”. Now what’s important about this term is that it is the primary act of every kind of bigotry. It is the function of setting up an us-vs-them situation. This is a power based relationship. When cishet people other queer people, it sets up a disparity between cishet people and queer people. It is the first step of bigotry, it leads to marginalization, it leads to formal oppression, it leads to assault, it leads to death. What’s interesting is that when marginalised people point this out, recognising the damage been done, recognising the othering, privileged people turn around and say, “Why are *you* being so divisive.” As if recognising the wound is as bad as causing it. Dogwhistles are good at this. A dogwhistle is an argument that a bigot would use so what they are saying doesn’t seem so bad. It’s ‘pitched’ in such a way that other bigots and marginalised people can hear it clearly, but they have the benefit of plausible deniability, “I didn’t say he’s a faggot, I just said he’s a bit light in the loafers/limp wristed.” “But I’m colourblind.” Anti-vaccine people often use the term “pro-vaccine safety” as a dogwhistle. An anti-semetic dogwhistle you’ll often hear used is “international bankers.” When a bigot cries they’re being “censored” or “no platformed” and then cry “freedom of speech”. You get the idea. 

This is where popular TERF talking points (cf. Every fucking TERF ever, Feminist Current, the Guardian, etc...) have been heading for a while. They don’t want to sound so openly bigoted anymore so they’re resorting to dogwhistles and subtle othering arguments. Trans women say “We are women!” Trans men say “We are men!” Trans nonbinary folk say “We are nonbinary!” And TERFs storm into the gate screaming “We don’t say trans women aren’t women anymore, but cis women and trans women are different! Cis and trans men are different. Nonbinary people don’t exist because unicorns bla bla bla” (This is probably the nicest framing of this bullshit statement I can offer you... perhaps not the unicorns part) 

Now the question you have to ask yourself here is a) Are they saying it to ‘other’ trans people? b) Are they saying to dogwhistle fellow bigots? c) Is this an argument in bad faith? And the answer is yes to all three. 

It others trans people because it fundamentally denies trans people who they really are. If trans women are women, fundamentally. Why do you have to say it? It functions as a dogwhistle in the same way allowing TERFs to speak in bigoted ways about trans people without seeming all that bigoted. And that’s what dogwhistles are designed for. A homophobic dogwhistle is still homophobic. A racist dogwhistle is still racist. A transphobic dogwhistle is still transphobic. And yes, this is an argument in bad faith, it tries to wrestle the agency of identity away from trans people. It tries to set up the “REAL” (TM) Women trope and the “REAL” (TM) Men trope – which is funny, because that is something that feminism is... um... supposed to fight in the first place? Which is why TERFs are not feminists. As an example from the TransAdvocate: 

TERF: “We want to end gender.” 

Feminist: “Oh, so we won’t use gendered pronouns anymore?” 

TERF: “No keep those.” 

Feminist: “Gendered clothing?” 

TERF: “No that’s ok.” 

Feminist: “Segregated bathrooms?” 

TERF: “No those are important.” 

Feminist: “So, we’re going to do something about the gender binary, yes? We’re going to attack the idea that gender is intrinsically linked to one’s anatomy, and we’re going to boose the visibility of trans and intersex people, who face THE MOST VIOLENT CONSEQUENCES OF SEX AND GENDER BINARIES – yes?” 

TERF: “No.” 

Feminist: “Then what are you going to do exactly? What is your plan? How are you going to accomplish this?” 

TERF: “Abolish gender.” 

Feminist: “How?” 

TERF: “Abolish it!” 

The long and short of it is: If trans women are women; if trans men are men; if trans nonbinary people are nonbinary (and they are), what is the function of cisgender people storming into the conversation saying, "But they're different!"

-o0o-

[1] Transadvocate extract: http://transadvocate.com/terfs-offer-only-hyperbole_n_12988.htm

Womxnhood

my womxnhood sits in the bowl of a vast ocean

swirling about my teeth as I drink

sliding down my neck, my chest, my arms, my legs,

drinking it down, even the dregs

my womxnhood flows like a tide

to and fro, up and down

first to bathe, then to drown

passionate then fleeting.

my womxnhood is hard to grasp

I run through your fingers when you grab at me

receding into the deep

just to condense on your skin while you sleep

my womxnhood is strong and bold

and infinitely difficult for you to hold

or dismiss with some casual flick of the wrist

like a dog on a leash you can twist

my womxnhood is not chained by your binary

your biology, your flesh, your genes

I would no sooner fall to patriarchy

than trans exclusionary bigotry

my womxnhood is angry and hurt

by the words you so casually throw about

and when I scream at the flesh cut out

you tell me I'm divisive?

my womxnhood is vast and deep

dark at the bottom and frothing at the surface

infinite to all who accept it

cruel to those who reject it

while the salt of transphobia's blight

would kill everything in sight

my womxnhood is free

every tree grows from me

-o0o-

The March of the Nots

Woman

historically

have always been defined 

by what she is not.

a woman is *not* a man

but she is a wo-man

a woman is *not* a black person

but she "may" be black woman

a woman is *not* a jewish person

but she "may" be a jewish woman

a woman is *not* lesbian person

but she "may" be a lesbian woman

a woman is *not* transgender

but she "may" be a transgender woman

a woman is *not* asexual

but she "may" be an asexual woman

a woman is *not* nonbinary

but she "may" be a nonbinary woman

add womxn to the mix

experiencing multiple intersections

of identity and marginalizations

and alt-right man-children's brains break.

womanhood is always

filled to the brim with obstacles

the attainment of womanhood

has never been automatic

unless you're profoundly

white

cisgender

heterosexual

rich

healthy

able-bodied

and neurotypical

if a womxn tells you who she is

and the world rushes in

to tell her what she's not

she's probably exactly

who she says she is.

the second she claims

her femininity as empowering

her identity as explicit

her marginalisation as history

the world rushes in 

to tell her to stop being divisive.

the second she speaks

of the way she's been marginalised

the world rushes in

to tell her that "We don't need labels!"

the second she speaks

the world is back

telling her what she's not.

-o0o-

Cisgender Privilege, a tweet poem.

Cisgender Privilege, a tweet poem.

— (((CharlLandsberg))) (@charllandsberg) March 11, 2017

privilege is saying "this is me"
and people accepting that automatically

— (((CharlLandsberg))) (@charllandsberg) March 11, 2017

privilege is saying "who I am is true"
and folks just fucking believe you

— (((CharlLandsberg))) (@charllandsberg) March 11, 2017

privilege is saying "this is my name"
and folks still treat you the same

— (((CharlLandsberg))) (@charllandsberg) March 11, 2017

privilege is your pronouns respected
and them never having to be corrected

— (((CharlLandsberg))) (@charllandsberg) March 11, 2017

privilege is having your pants ignored
not scrutinised by a perverted hoard

— (((CharlLandsberg))) (@charllandsberg) March 11, 2017

privilege is when you're simply the norm
accepted as cannon in gender and form

— (((CharlLandsberg))) (@charllandsberg) March 11, 2017

privilege is getting hopped up on cisgender vanity
and denying trans people a shred of humanity

— (((CharlLandsberg))) (@charllandsberg) March 11, 2017

privilege is you lying about our sex and our gender
and then making out as if we're the pretender

— (((CharlLandsberg))) (@charllandsberg) March 11, 2017

privilege is misgendering millions of souls
and enforcing ignorant patriarchal roles

— (((CharlLandsberg))) (@charllandsberg) March 11, 2017

privilege is ignoring our constant cries
and replacing them with more of your lies

— (((CharlLandsberg))) (@charllandsberg) March 11, 2017

privilege is kicking us when we're down
and mocking us while we drown

— (((CharlLandsberg))) (@charllandsberg) March 11, 2017

privilege is the lies you entertain so often
that send trans people to an early coffin

— (((CharlLandsberg))) (@charllandsberg) March 11, 2017

privilege is the curse of cisgender tongues
breathing forth hatred from indifferent lungs

— (((CharlLandsberg))) (@charllandsberg) March 11, 2017

privilege is turning around without care
your hands in the air, not a worry to spare,

— (((CharlLandsberg))) (@charllandsberg) March 11, 2017

tomorrow we're dead, and we're no longer there.
tomorrow we're dead, and we're no longer there.

— (((CharlLandsberg))) (@charllandsberg) March 11, 2017

Three Conversations

2010.

I met him for the first time at dinner,

with our regular group of sinners.

He was the partner of a friend's brother.

I knew this when we were introduced,

so I'm not sure what got me all seduced,

...but I was hungry and,

he was beautiful.

So beautiful in-fact,

that, 

in front of everyone,

I asked, "Are you single?"

I never quite felt so alone:

he smiled at me,

with that put-upon face that could peel bone.

2015.

I met him for the first time at a funeral.

His partner died of hiv.

Three sinners alone in a church, we,

one dead, two alive,

surrounded by a hateful hive.

We spoke to each other,

so that he didn't have to deal with the family.

When the time came,

the father ashamed,

stood up in front of the church,

and blamed us for the deceased’s death.

I smiled at the man digging into my arm,
with his fingernails.

and asked, "Are you single?"
You could hear hearts fail.

We left the service early,

and got McDonalds.

2016.

I met him for the first time at a party,

he was getting divorced.

His partner, he said, had lied to him,

pretending to be a man or a woman,

or something like that:

he spat out a transphobic slur,

with my vision beginning to blur:

"That's terrible..." I gasped,

"Is she single?"
That riled up the little shit,

his punch caught me in the forehead.
Utterly worth it.

-o0o-

Apologia from a Bigot

"I'm sorry 'sir'...

I know you'd prefer,

some pronoun other than him or her."

"But I self-appoint,

my self annoint,

myself judge and barrister."

"Convenient, yes?

Comfort to my laziness,

to strip you of name and dress."

"In the end, you see,

it's all about me,

I don't say these things to oppress."

-o0o-

The Gods' Men

the gods' men

mouthpieces of mistrust

that recite the virtues of women

women made chattel by scripture

women you've bent to your patriarchy

women you supposedly protect

women you beat in secret

the good wife

and virtuous daughter

you that have made us other

you that have gendered men and women

as fundamentally different

you that see women as servants of men

you that see transgender people as subversive freaks

you that don't see nonbinary people at all

you and your gods

and your scripture

that write submission and hierarchy into your hearts

hatred made manifest

of course I mistrust you

and everything you say

you praise our virtues

if our virtue is founded in serving you

you fear our liberation

because everything you are

is grounded in our oppression

you are the reason I disbelieve in your gods

-o0o-

My Gate's Keeper

why hello

stranger

come bursting into my house

as if you own the place

and tell me where to put my furniture

and how to arrange my gender

when I know the dimensions of my soul

better than you ever will

because you've swopped your heart for more teeth

you who misgender and harrass

as if you really matter

as if you have licence to my world

fuck off out of my life

who died and made you queen?

-o0o-

Unseen Hurt

but that's the point

when they hit you

they make sure it's unseen

so their hands are clean

so they can tell themselves

they're not bad people

all church and steeple

and they can smile into their gods' faces

and walk on holy places

and pretend

turning a blind eye

because what you did

or what your friends did

happened in dark allies

or behind oblivious privilege

where you can claim

you did nothing

faux civility that makes

for plausible deniability

of course you can't see

it's natural that you'd miss it

and how can't I blame you

when you're so complicit

-o0o-

Bashed

they come every so often

with fists and knives

they try to do their worst

beat us up

try to rob us of our very lives

scream at us

lay us low

push us as far as we can humanly go

but we're still here

at least in part

and putting ourselves back together

has become something of an art

-o0o-

Fuck your "Free Speech"

You have a right to speak,
do it, please.
Run your face like a tap sprung a leak,
but you do not have a right to be heard.
Don’t bring your hate to my party,
with teeth that tear,
stuffing your opinon in my underwear
when I dance,
and call me your stripper.
Your hate is not free.
My life is not your platform.
Freedom of speech does not exist,
because speech isn’t free.
It costs marginalized people the most,
and the most dearly.
And they are silenced,
and beaten up,
and killed,
and forgotten.
A cost you will never understand.
While you:
…white boy
…cis boy
…straight boy
Lecture us about “free speech”!
Stepping up on your privilege,
with your cock hardening,
like shitting on our doorsteps,
and calling it gardening.

-o0o-

Gaytopia

thin pinkwashed veneer

around a well oiled machine

a punching press for

perfect

muscular

cisgender

white

Ken dolls

proudly rainbow

while the brown queer trans girl bleeds

a thin coat

to weather this one storm

this one time it won't last

and even your little gaytopia will fail

because having bought into that

the very system that hates you

you've set the stage for your own undoing

you've bought yourselves mansions

with borrowed currency

covered in the blood of we you claim to represent

and now the money is spent

where are you?

tucked away behind champaign and wedding cake

isn't it great?

it got better did it?

funny

we were promised that too

-o0o-

Clever

I'm disenamoured with clever

clever without compassion and care

what is your clever?

hollow minstrel to screech out the day

the dull echo of cisgender voices

their chanting cacophony

tintinnabulation of smarts

how they have fallen entirely in love

with the sound of themselves

but there are those of us
we trans people
who have been served stealth as survival

but we’re branded as cheats and liars

because: haven’t-we-fooled-you-good?

the familiar drone of privileged men

clanging their way through us

drowning out our subtle cries

cishet boy scuffs his toe and tjanks so loudly

"but I, too, have known suffering"

while entire generations flood by

queer is flushed down the toilet 

along with used makeup wipes

the loud bells ring

where cishet becomes the gatekeeper

ding-ding-ding

the teacher

back to class

back to class

learn to be cishet

squash yourself back into binary

this is the preapproved syllabus

the school ubiquitous

like air we breathe

cisociety's pseudolung

hissing hissing hissing

pumping our lungs full of it

eradication and assimilation

in the absence of truth

the artificial flavour

this is clever

splained to us from klaxons

"you're a fraud"

"you're a fraud"

"you're a fraud"

"you're a fraud"

sunup to sundown

we don't even hear it anymore

and conveniently neither do they

so they can say

we're imagining things

hearing voices where none exist

the hatred we feel is merely
"truth"
or "science"

biology shoved down our throats

and why not?

Germaine Greer is a "well respected feminist"

TERF through-and-through

and afterall, who are we to disagree?
sung to the same tune of MRA's and atheist dudebros
jammed down our throats
as we're expected to sing their tune

when the same songs we sing to water our plants

are the songs we sing to bury our dead

driven into the ground

by steamdriven machines

heavy percussive clanks

imbedding us in easily consumable

-bite-

-sized-

-chunks-

so Logo TV has something to present

something nice and simple

sweet to the ears

an uncomplicated song

to sing in harmony with homonationalism

pinkwashed lyrics 

for pinkwashed consumers

who all have gay friends

so they totally know the words to sing

all in harmony with the noise

that drowns out the drowning

that screams over the subtle voice

the voice that asks for

her not him

he not she

they not her

ze not he

but clever sounds so much better

and your "free speech"

so much more important

than lives trampled under cisconsumerism

and a feminism that hates women

that likes to pretend that the non-binary doesn't exist

it's all very clever

isn't it?

a clever song

with clever words

and when all is said and done

how good is your clever when we are dead

or was that your tune all along?

-o0o-

Trans-Pride (well at least I am proud)

so I walk about with
     long hair
     eyeliner
     nailpolish
          I look good

and still women
     women friends of mine
     think it's hilarious
          how people call me ma'am sometimes
          even when I'm out of "costume"
     laugh at me
          oh how silly I am
          oh how silly the stranger is
          to mistake me for a woman
               how utterly inconceivable

as if this
     this
     is the worst thing that could possibly happen to me

as if I should melt at the mention of being mistaken for woman
     as if woman is the most shameful thing I can be

I mean this coming from women,
     women who call themselves feminists
          I think you need to rethink your feminism
     if woman is something that you automatically associate with shame

because you've bought hook, line, and sinker into the myth
     the patriarchal myth that male is something to strive for
          and woman is something you should avoid at all costs
     the myth that I have somehow failed to live up to that
          the myth that I have to pick between the two
     man or woman
          as if those are my only options

and the myth that being mistaken for woman
     is the mistake that really hurts
when my friends
     the people who care and love me
          are the ones mistaking me for what I'm not

-o0o-

Just Because I'm Quiet

you think it doesn't hurt

just because I'm quiet

you think it doesn't set my heart on fire

just because I quietly take it

you think it's okay

you think you're safe from criticism

when you misgender me

when you disregard who I am

and you think I'm okay with it

just because I've stopped speaking

you think you're in good company

and you are

you think you can do it

because everyone does it

you think your opinion on this matters more

because you can shut me up quickly

by steamrolling over me

and you think it's okay

because I'm too tired to say anything

you think it's okay

because if I didn't deserve this

then I would keep speaking up

but be careful

when I stop talking all together

that's when you should worry

because when I stop talking

then I start moving

and it's usually

as far

away

from

you

as

I

can 

get

-o0o-