Nerve

Raw and bruised, unrelenting thing.
Twenty microns across to carry such a sting.
It is there and it sits, bright, gleaming.
I cannot make the pain stop, for me or you.
I cannot compel the nerve, to stop screaming.
What good am I if I cannot help you?
What nerve have I while I cannot help myself?
So we sit the nerve screams,
as if it had something profound to say,
and we wait and hope,
maybe tomorrow is a quiet day.

 -o0o-

as i might

 try as i might

i cannot blame the new pain on the old

the old pain is a long since forgotten boyfriend

someone i dated in high school

the new pain is entirely my own

and of my own making

at least I could walk away from a man

there is no door leading away from this

-o0o-

Cassandra

Invisibility makes pain sinister.

It's a crime with no witnesses.

In a court of public opinion,

it yells: "It's my word versus yours."

Nobody will ever believe you.

Troy still fell.

-o0o-

Bark

People will strip you,
so unhesitatingly,
of your scars,
for the sake of their own comfort.
As though trees could survive,
without bark.

Afterlife

a very long time ago I died

and I went to heaven

there was nothing there

it was empty

no gods, no angels

nothing but stale air

a place of forgotten promises

and empty dreams

that cannot dull the screams

coming from down below

after that

I figured

I should go looking for hell

maybe there'd be someone to tell

someone who knows

but earth was as far down as it goes

as it turns out you can't suffer worse

you can't hurt more

or give pain more worth

than what hearts feel

right here on earth

so lofty thrones are no good

empty halls offer no rest

with hearts and souls oppressed

so I sat back down

a dead thing in a dead body

back on earth

to make the smallest change

a petty exchange

for whatever rest I may earn

because I suspect

next time

I might not return

-o0o-

Pain

I’m struggling to sleep tonight.
You see, I’m happy.
My body hurts.
I feel pain.
I don’t complain.
Honestly.
I don’t.
I’m happy.
I feel pain.
My body hurts.
I worked hard.
The last two days I packed and cleaned,
I washed and scrubbed till my muscles screamed.
I had to.
I didn’t want to.
I had to.
I have to do this thing.
Now.
And my muscles hurt.
My body burns.
My bones ache.
My stomach turns.
I hurt here.
And I’m happy.
Because it’s been too long,
since I’ve known where my pain comes from.
It’s been too long,
since I could point to a spot on my body and say
“I know what caused this pain.
I know what caused this sprain.
I know what caused that twist,
the pain in my side, in my wrist,
what causes my neck to crack,
and the pain in my back.”
For too long I’ve hurt,
and I couldn’t tell you why.
And when it hurt, I’d cry,
and I had nowhere to point,
to tell you how broken I am.

-o0o-

Second-Hand

well

guess it was about time it happened

just

wish it didn't leave me so flattened

stupid I know

but here we are

and another friendship gone

because

well

they don't like who I am

nothing that I did

they just ran away and hid

slid away all nice and quiet

because they don't

"agree with my lifestyle"

and I have to hear about this

second-hand

that's okay

been here before

I'm not knocking on death's door

so sweep the floor

dust my coat

move along

new day, new shirt

strangely it doesn't hurt

not as much as it did

the times and times before

a heart grows cold

and numb to the sore

-o0o-

Persist

I guess I've fallen in love with the break
zipped down my body and soul in zigged cracks
me broken and living for my own sake
held together with press stick and tacks
because that's all I can do when it's sore
body and soul a swollen bruise
and I guess I just keep expecting more
when everyone things I've got nothing to lose
so I guess I love this broken me
nothing special, nothing to show
exist to spite the peanut gallery
and withstand everything life may throw

-o0o-

Myprodol

you're a bastard

you know that?

two kisses, three times a day
with every meal

and I can already feel that pull

that old allure of addiction

calling me in for another kiss

and another

and another

till all the pain will be gone

lips full of kisses

arms full of promises

beautiful, blooming, barbituate lover

that precipice you represent

and the promise I made to myself years ago

to keep lovers like you on a fucking short leash

I'm done with you for today
go back to your side of the bedside table
I'll be off with some water and anger for the pain in the mean time

I'll see you later for my breakfast kiss

-o0o-

An Appreciation of Kitsch

what isn't straightforward

                               is kitsch

bent and twisted               

         distasteful

                 queer faggot dyke

                         female / femme

            not white

                          transgender non binary

decolonized

beautiful               

this is what I want          

metallic trim on martini glasses     

plush toys hanging from my rear view mirror

garish clothes                                   

insulting to the sensible       

food for the senses   

          kitsch is my blood spilt

                   kitsch are my dead friends

                                      kitsch is my dead flowers in the window

that I keep anyway

            kitsch is bad eyeliner

kitsch is how I dance

               all elbows and stomping

  kitsch is dinner at my house                                    

                                             late, rich, and far too much   

kitsch is my body                                     

                      far too fat                                       

            far too scarred                                        

far too ugly                                                        

                               kitsch is my love

                    reckless and fast

kitsch is history from the perspective of the victim                  

kitsch is music sung from a grieving mouth             

                     kitsch is staying up way too late to watch YouTube videos

kitsch is late for my appointments  

  kitsch is curved and hurting

  like my spine

                                               kitsch can't stand up when it's cold

                                                               kitsch cries with me when I'm in pain

                                             kitsch bleeds with me when my veins won't clot

      kitsch cries with me when I'm depressed

and the world is like a leaden sinker             

dragging me down                                                 

                       kitsch is glitter on my pillow

          that's what I want

                                           allowing a suffering world to be beautiful

                                         in the face of such incredible hatred and violence

kitsch is the messiah                                              

who fucks so gently                                      

and kisses to tenderly                         

and tells us that everything   

is going to be          

alright          

-o0o-