I-They

(Trigger Warning: child abuse and molestation, gender dysphoria)

when I was young I wanted toys
     toys meant for girls
     I didn't understand what that meant
     but I was taught that this was bad
I wanted dolls and jewellery

it’s a strange thing to be conditioned
     to be something you’re not
     taught with hushed tones
“your father won’t allow that”

daddy
     this mythical creature
     that came into my life when I was three years old
     a creature that stole all my mother's power
     and breathed that power into hatred over us

fear in the eyes of women
     afraid
          afraid of what might happen to us
if daddy found out
     that his boy was a fag
     what daddy might do to them
     what daddy might do to me
so I’d steal toys and hide them
     I hid them well
     I learnt an awesome trick
     you teach daddy about a secret place
     a secret place nobody is allowed to look
     and in that place I put junk
     maybe a birthday card or two
     maybe something sentimental
           make sure it's a mess

but the real treasure you hide somewhere else
     so when daddy discovers your secret place
     he finds junk, a card, ... and a mess
     you get in trouble
          you're never not in trouble
but it's good
     because you know this trouble is nothing
          nothing
          nothing compared to the trouble you’ll get into
          if he found the real stash

I taught myself to love toys
     toys that are somehow connected to the penis
     I was never told why that is
     I was just told that somehow penis meant...

building blocks
     action figures
          I taught myself to love that

I'm good at pretending
     I even fooled myself
          for years
          as toys replaced other things

boys should be tough
     boys should fight
          boys shouldn't cry

I cried
     I was punished
          I was beaten
     I had to play games in my underwear
          I had to be naked in front of him
               this will make me a ‘real’ man
                    groomed to be a groom

I’d take secret knitting lessons from my grandmother
     I’d hide my needles and my wool
          for years
               to this day I still want to hide it all away
          afraid I might get punished
or I might get poked with a knitting needle
     again in my underwear
          spanked with his belt
naked this time as my body changed
     as I became this man-thing everyone imagined
          the belt became a broom
               as his cock grew hard

and the beatings got harder
     till I couldn't walk sometimes
     or he’d walk up to me and punch me
     for no reason
man up

worst advice he could have given me
     because whatever manning up meant
     it added up to cutting him down
     cutting through him like wrapping paper on presents
peeling him off of me
     he’s gone now

i’m still unwrapping myself
     inside out
          starting with the outer most layers
     the things boys aren't supposed to like
teaching myself it’s okay
     going deeper
     unpacking the boy I never was
     undressing the idea of boy
putting it where I left daddy

                it’s mostly raw and naked now
           nothing to cover me
     no words to explain what’s left

I tell people I'm transgender
     and that I'm not who they think I am
           they don’t understand

I tell people I'm non-binary
     and they deliberately don't understand
          they don't want to

I say that I don't really have a point where I knew
     I don't have some magical date
          I can't say I always knew
     gay and trans didn't come to me one day
          they weren't convenient
          I wasn't "born this way"
          that's someone else's story

I wasn't born into the wrong body
     my body was stolen from me before I had a say
     before I could speak

I was taught this way.
     made man by hate
     made straight by hate
     made cisgender by hate
     made binary by hate
     made Christian by hate

I wasn't born transgender.
     I was born something entirely free of all this crap
     transgender was what I became to shed being cisgender
          because what else is there?
     atheist is what I became to escape Christianity
          because that god didn't love me
     non-binary is what I became to tear of boy and man
          and I didn't pick up woman somewhere along the way
          she is as foreign to me as he is
     gay is what I became to get rid of imposed heterosexuality
          and I'm not even fucking gay
     pansexual is what I became because I can love you
          I can love the boy
          I can love the girl
               but they don't love me the same way

I tell my boyfriend I'm not a man
     so we’re not in a homosexual relationship
          he doesn't understand that

I stop calling myself he
     and I cry
          and I want to run back to the cupboard
     and wrap myself in that old wrapping paper
     cellotape over the seams to make myself respectable
          and attach another birthday card
    write "man" on the card
read: afraid
     it’s not safe here

I refer to myself as they
     and things seem okay
     I recognise myself for the first time

               I start shaving now
          as much as I can
          as much as my delicate skin will allow
     I know the person in the mirror
     each time I shave, I look like myself
     my friends say I'm looking more and more like my mom
and it makes my heart glow

-o0o-