Costume

when I was young

I loved to go out at night

I could put on my costume

and know

know that it would protect me

the worst thing was inside me

so nothing in the dark could harm me

the thing inside me

killing me slowly

killing me for wearing that costume

every day

and then one day

I stopped

I stopped wearing the costume

and the thing inside was gone

but suddenly 

that thing was inside everyone else

now it wanted to kill me

kill me for not wearing that costume

I remember the very first time

when I left the house

wearing a dress

and the thing called from other mouths

“faggot”

“tranny”

it lashed out with a fist and a boot in my rib

so those are my choices

let the thing kill me from within

for wearing a costume

or let the thing kill me from outside

for not wearing a costume

tonight I put on the costume again

wiped off my makeup
wiped off my nail varnish

took off my pretty purple shirt

and put on big boy pants

big boy walk

big boy talk

I guess tonight I'm just better

at keeping the devil I know at bay

does that make me a bad transgender person?
does that make me a coward?

I don’t know...

but I got home alive.

-o0o-