Once Afraid

I was once afraid
So terribly afraid
So dreadfully frightened
Of the dark things
In the corners
Afraid of the dark
In the corners
Afraid of the dark man
In the corner
Sitting on the leather seat
Watching television
Fat and bloated
Stuffing his face
Mouth breather
Pig-like beast
Scoffing at his plate
Spitting out the bones onto the floor
Where I have to pick them up
I have to pass another plate
I have to make another cup of coffee
Sweaty and smelly
And stinking of Brute Deodorant
His poisonous words
With his threatening fist
Fuck I hated that man
Sitting there
Frightening me
I was only a child
Not even a teenager yet
Stuck with my fat and stinking lord and saviour
Pigging on the lard
That was slapped in front of him
In piles
Simba chips, and Coca Cola and cigarettes and another cup of coffee
Driving everyone away
Putting everyone to sleep
Leaving me alone
With the awake man
Who enslaved me
Tied his chains around me
Made me his little kaffir boy
Calling me kaffir
Because of the company I kept
Black friends

He spat on me
Dragged me by my hair
Into his service
At his beck and call
Covered with his stench
That lingered in the air
Producing a foul taste
Stuck at the back of my throat
Along with my objections
And my pain

While he struts naked through the house
Shitting on the toilet
Leaving the door open
Calling me to his service
Calling me to listen to his self absorbed ranting
Listening to this opinions of the world
And how black people ruined it
Listening to his theories
Of what he thinks the Bible is really about
Listening to him telling me that he will
Abandon me if I am gay
Or if I don’t marry a white woman
Or if I stop being a Christian
Listening to him telling me that he loves me
And that he only says these things because he cares
Listening to him shit
Shit from his ass
His body leaking the putrid slop
And shit from his mouth
His mind leaking more putrid slop
Silently wanting to puke
As he lights another cigarette
And I thank God for the cigarette
That kills the smell of him
The stinking man
The foul creature

Every five minutes
First this, then that
Always, constantly
Incessant calling
Ringing his electric bell
Summoning me with his siren
Like crows screeching
Calling me to be devoured
By the filthy man
The disgusting man
Whose teeth bit into me
Nightly
Daily
Hourly
Breathing his filth into me

Telling me that I am filthy
Telling me that I’m a shit head
Telling me that I’m a faggot
Burdening me with his weight
So that he can slather another layer
Back onto himself
Wallowing in his mud
With me waist deep in it

And then his friends come
And then all the disorder must be shoved under carpets
And into cupboards
Far away
We must make the pig god respectable
We must make him ready
And I must become prim and proper
Joe Sunshine for everyone
To be placed on my pedestal
So that the pig can tell them
Tell them how well he takes care of me
Tell them how proud he is of me
Tell them what a good boy I am
When silently I want to slit his throat at night
And bathe myself clean in his blood

And when his friends go
Then the shoes come off
And he beats me with his shoes
Because everything wasn’t perfect
And he pukes on me
Telling me how shit I am
Covering me in his filth again
Wallowing his greasy frame over me
Pushing my head under the grime
Drowning with lungs full of his
Pestilence
Bubbles bobbing beneath
The brim of his belly
I barter to breathe
But I breathe more blood and blubber

And I went to the church
I went to many churches
I asked them to save me
I asked them to show me salvation
But what salvation is there for the gay boy
What salvation is there for the boy who loves both black and white skin
What salvation is there for the boy who doesn’t believe in the Bible anymore
And the church told me that I was to blame
My Christian friends told me that I’m deserving of death
The pig ministers and pastors and priests
They told me I deserve it
One church helped me
Two pastors listened
But even they had their hands tied
Because after ten years of pleading for help
I couldn’t speak anymore
I couldn’t act anymore

I went into dark places
Where nobody could see
Cutting at myself
Let the blood flow
To make me feel something
And then when I felt
I wanted to die
Cut a little deeper
Every time
More and more
Scars across my stomach and arms and legs
Stretch marks and cut marks
I broke into pieces
And what good is a broken mirror
To a narcissist
The pig god hated me
And spat at me
And I hid in the corners
In plain sight
Cutting at my skin
Snorting another line

And fuck I prayed
I prayed to God
I prayed that God could tell
I prayed that God compel
I prayed that God rebel
Against the false pig idol
That was set before me
I prayed that God showed me
I prayed I prayed I prayed

And God came
Like fire
Rushing and sweeping through me
Sweeping up the rubble
Mopping up the grime
Blowing away the neglect of fathers, friends and faithful

And the fire burned the filthy man
And to this day he is still dying
Slowly, painfully, eternally

I found clean blood to wash myself with
I found pure springs to wash it all away
And I was clean
And I was sober
And I was whole

And the man with teeth
Jumped up and down
Flailing his arms angrily
“Worship me, worship me”
Screeching
Scratching
Scorching
Scalding
Little toddler throwing a fit
But the chain was snapped
Like twigs for a fire
Effortlessly broken by a child

And God touched me
Electricity
Surging through my veins
Over my lips
Opening my mouth
Speaking the true tongues
Not the languages of angels and humans
But the language of truth
And the dark man scampered off
Hiding in the bushes
With his cheap camouflage outfit
Pretending to be a soldier

And I wasn’t afraid anymore
And I didn’t know why
And I didn’t hate him anymore
And I didn’t know why
And then I saw him years later
He stopped smoking
But as he walked
the trail of shit still dragged behind him
like a giant snail
His self-assured arrogance stank
Echoing his brute deodorant
Like a badly sung harmony of honing huffs
He sauntered glowing with self-importance
Convincing himself that heads turn to see him
But I saw that day
He doesn’t exist
Only the grim memory
He is only grime and grit
And goo and gunge
There is no man underneath it
And nobody turned to look
Nobody cared for his presence

And he dissolved
Like an effervescent
Simmering slowly away
His shape shifting
Suddenly solvent
Disappearing swiftly
Sweeping spryly away

And he was gone
And I wasn’t afraid anymore

-o0o-